@Jake_Vig

Couples are the worst, followed closely by single people.

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@fishbowel

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

@Mormonger

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

@TheAlexNevil

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

@noitsgary

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

@lovemydogduck

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

@Tmoney68

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

@DanMentos

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

@Be___Dope

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

@EyalTweet

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.