[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
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“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.