Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist