Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.