[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
You Might Also Like
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis