Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
*opens jar of wasps*
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
has a fever: i’m ok
coughs out lungs: i’m ok
throat on fire: i’m ok
is hungry: death, despair and chaos has entered my life
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
God: you’re a parrot.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.