@ehchino

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

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@stevevsninjas

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

@markedly

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

@tbhstop

has a fever: i’m ok
coughs out lungs: i’m ok
throat on fire: i’m ok
is hungry: death, despair and chaos has entered my life

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@rickolantern

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

@GreenishDuck

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.