{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Feel. He’s so soft.
tinder is all about the long game
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.