@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

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@ben_rosen

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

@BuckyIsotope

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

@Rachelnoise

If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.

@collinwithtwoLs

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@ColoChiver

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

@jessforaminute

[Wine tasting]

*Swirls and sniffs glass

Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity

Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”LindseyEllison2″;s:5:”image”;s:98:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/378800000102924655/b3e616c039ec94a6468ed3e3aba69840_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”355424627050295298″;s:7:”retweet”;s:1:”6″;s:5:”tweet”;s:132:”Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@sixfootcandy

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

@CheryeDavis

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

@sonictyrant

The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.