@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

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@SaraMansford

Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!

@fightforfood

Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.

@randypaint

saying “u should smile more”

-boring
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

@AllieGoertz

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

@murrman5

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

@AimeeHelene1

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

@splendidcynic

Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening