@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

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@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@mommajessiec

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

@DancesWithTamis

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

@jellybnbonanza

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

@mrjohndarby

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

@Caissie

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

@Piecezilla

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

@cheers27402373

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

@BillWeirCNN

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.