Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
You Might Also Like
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”