*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Good morning.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.