Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy