Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.


* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”


Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?


5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.


I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.


Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?


I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics


The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.


[Frat party]


CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.