[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”