@Book_Krazy

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

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@ericsshadow

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

@LuvPug

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@batkaren

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.