[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You Might Also Like
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase