Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
<Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.