@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

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@Mikecanrant

I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.

@karanbirtinna

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

@chuuew

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

@daemonic3

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

@LarrysTwin99

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

@SICKOFWOLVES

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@SortaBad

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

@13spencer

Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”