I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”