[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My birthstone is kidney
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.