I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Me: Stuck on the crossword, 3 letters “scientific term for eggs”
Wife: It’s ova
Me: *Crying* Because I can’t do crosswords?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
yeah that’s brenda
*Uses the 5 second rule with soup*