@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

@LnL245

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

@WheelTod

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

@aayushhiiiii

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

@BigJDubz

Me: Stuck on the crossword, 3 letters “scientific term for eggs”

Wife: It’s ova

Me: *Crying* Because I can’t do crosswords?

@ThyArtIsMemes

I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster

@cheeky__gal

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.