[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines