[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
You Might Also Like
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.