[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends