if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
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Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.