No thanks, people who hum to themselves.
I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.
WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.
HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: OMG I’m so tired.
Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.
Me: I’m on it.
A: And Cheetos.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]