[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Dammit Chief not again
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?