Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers