Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.