court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts