Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel