Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers