(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.