I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
what could possibly go wrong?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.