How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor
Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Judge: You’re sentenced to death. You’ll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE’S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon