@ArfMeasures

[court]
ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record

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@SomthinBoutSara

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

@e4moji

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

@heyevergreen

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

@iwearaonesie

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@MaverickBistro

Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality

@mjkspeaks

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

@BGH70

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

@ibid78

Judge: You’re sentenced to death. You’ll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE’S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

@rudy_mustang

how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon