@OrangeFact

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

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@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@sonictyrant

ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!

FRIEND: that’s great!

ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.

FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.

ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]

FRIEND:

ME: you want some?

@FU_TangClan

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

@thepaulahunt

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

@Beatonm5

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
???

@1970RobD

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

@SortaBad

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

@andylassner

Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle