@nerdreign

Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.

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@better_off_dad

Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don’t say ‘Alexa’?

Alexa: No, I only listen when you say ‘Alexa’.

M: Thanks

A: Welcome

M: Hey!

@EyeSeeYou619

“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”

~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants

@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

@BuckyIsotope

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

@MissSassy_Pants

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.