Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.