@better_off_dad Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don’t say ‘Alexa’?
Alexa: No, I only listen when you say ‘Alexa’.
M: Thanks
A: Welcome
M: Hey!
@nerdreign Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.
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@better_off_dad 
@EyeSeeYou619 “Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”
~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants
@qwertying When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.
@erikbransteen Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
@BoomBoomBetty [after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
@Jacob_Swift16 Ate a bag of Sun chips and now I need 300 stitches in my mouth
@Reverend_Scott [wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
@BuckyIsotope “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
@MissSassy_Pants You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.