I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
You Might Also Like
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator