[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
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Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Good dog. ❤️
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Every. Damn. Time.