[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
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How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.