[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically