Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

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I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?


I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.


Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*


Damn boy! Are you a slinky?

Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.


Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy.

Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??


ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager


INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?


*Doctor finishes the exam*

“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”

“I’m so mad I could pun-”

*Doctor looks over his glasses*


Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium