Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

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dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD


Cop: know y I pulled u over?
Wife: to invite me to the state trooper’s ball?
Cop: state troopers don’t have balls
Cop: drive safe


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?


People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.


Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore


Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.


Kinda rude of my neighbors to be burning leaves before I had a chance to blow mine into their yard.


why don’t grocery stores participate in black friday?? i don’t need 20% off a flatscreen – give me half price tide pods and $1 coffee creamers and then you better believe i’ll be at the doors at 3am


I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.