[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’