me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.


Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.


I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.


Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?


Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.


For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.

It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.


“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”


Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.