@climaxximus

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

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@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@Playing_Dad

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

@krisv_723

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

@EricGoldie

Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?

@jimmy_sharpe

Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.

@brian_bilston

For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.

It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.

@shariv67

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

@BoomBoomBetty

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.