[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
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“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
(yawn)
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Pandas 🐼🖤
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts