[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
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Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
any last words?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands