[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
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My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
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To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.