I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.