Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
it’s finally my moment to shine
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
U talkin 2 me?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.