@cbdoubleu

*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*

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@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@Darlainky

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

@mstluvstrinkets

What’s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?

Asking for my two year old.

@FeelingEuphoric

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

@MikeCanRant

A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.

@ibid78

I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.

@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

@Coolisiana

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”