@Where__wolf

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

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@Bob_Janke

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

@Parkerlawyer

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

@treydayway

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

@mejustbeth

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

@ficklenuts

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

@Browtweaten

Centaur: *trips and falls* I broke my arm

Doctor: It’s okay, I can fix it

Centaur: Oh God I broke my leg too

Doctor: *cocks rifle*

@Aikiwomannc

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

@tsm560

I think it’s hilarious when someone takes a break from here and people immediately ask if they’re okay. As if being off twitter isn’t the very definition of being okay

@AbbyHasIssues

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.