*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
You Might Also Like
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Twitter remains undefeated
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally