*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime