COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
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The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I…do not understand how electricity works.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer