6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
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No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
your elf on the shelf was delicious