Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank