covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?