My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
You Might Also Like
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack