cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
(yawn)
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
This kinda thing happens to me often
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.