The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
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[makes eye contact with someone through crack in bathroom stall] hey
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*throws flashlight at him
sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.
whos laughing now?
“Will someone please just help me open this window? I need to smoke!”
Me, drunk on the airplane
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.