@aotakeo

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

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@TheWhaleFacts

The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.

@dmc1138

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

@mommy_cusses

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@amazymay72x

sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.

whos laughing now?

@ODeadInside

“Will someone please just help me open this window? I need to smoke!”

Me, drunk on the airplane

@ipalatsky

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.