[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”