Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

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Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”


One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic


[enter password]


[password weak]

All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying


A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.


Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.


“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”


Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.


You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.


DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.


*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead