Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”